Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
It's official drugs can't kill me
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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