My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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