Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
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Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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