Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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