actually, I'm a sock model
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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