It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
