u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Randomize
