did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
