Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
