Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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