is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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