I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
