You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
