Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
