my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Randomize
