What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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