The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
