he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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