It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Houston, we have a squirter
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I'm just crazy horny about you
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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