he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
