Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
