Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
