I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Randomize
