Kroger has a sale on economy packs of some ridic brand of condom with a smiley devil heart on it $4.99 for 24
Sounds like a baby waitign to happen
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
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His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
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my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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