She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here