I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
