I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
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