If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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