It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
