turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
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