like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
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Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
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So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
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