First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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