There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Holy shit dude........stairs
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Randomize
