More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Success! We fucked roommates!
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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