That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
