As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
