Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
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The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
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And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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