Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I want a musical about memes.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
