I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
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