The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
She's the barista slut.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
