Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Randomize
