i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
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