maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
