Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
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How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
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You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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