I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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