if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
