we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
