Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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