Weren't you self-described as an 'arab' slut?
No?
Well my cheeks are red now
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
