Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
My vagina is very pro this idea
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
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