i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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