this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
This gyro tastes like lonliness
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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