I think that we as people have rights and that we should at the very least be warned before being subjected to Fergie
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
