I'm so fucking centered right now
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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