if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
