I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
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