Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I'm always down for nudity.
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