well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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