A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
My legs feel like baby dolphins
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
