Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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